Shakespeare in Debt

A Playe by Ye Olde IR Prefentation Trouppe

International Relations
University of London, School of Oriental and African Studies
April 26, 1999

Cast

Narrator — Naomi Muller
Will Shakespeare — Garret Wilson
Tybalt — Jennifer Miquel
Juliet — Andreas Lorange

[Note: Due to scheduling problems on the actual day of the play, Naomi Muller played Juliet as well. Consequently, the last words of Juliet and the Narrator had to be combined.]

Narrator

The turning sphere called Earth on which we live
Though some would stress that all men are the same,
Tis ne’ertheless unequal take and give
And inequality refutes their claim.
Two countries, both alike in dignity
On terra firma where we lay our scene
One eons since has lived in poverty
The other finds great wealth within its means.
What cause is this? Of God? Of man? Of Marx?
Does poorness rise from others making gains?
Should countries rich have guilt laid on their hearts
And harm themselves to cure the others’ pains?
It’s too complex — aye, there’s the rub indeed!
The world’s too large to fit within a head.
Analogies and metaphors we need,
So in this simple plot take heed what’s said.
An act, a play, a mirror to our quest
Of understanding countries rich and poor;
Compare our hero’s plight with all the rest:
Of states, nations, countries, the world, and more.
To start the tale, a playwright whom you know
Has fallen for a damsel right away.
His romance is in trouble even though
It’s not been even more than seven days.
Young Will soon learns when push doth come to shove
That matters grim and true do in him set:
It’s not long hence from just Shakespeare in love
Till our Will finds that he’s "Shakespeare in Debt."

Will (aside)

Friends and Romans, this day is sad for me
I love this girl who is wonderous to see
Yet to give her a laugh, money I have not.
Here’s Tybalt; perhaps he will lend me a lot.

(to Tybalt)
My good Tybalt, this day is sad for me;
My brother is sick and in need of me.
He needs my help; medicine must be bought
Can you give some aid, for funds I have not?

Tybalt

You’re going through bad times; that’s just too bad
As I seem to remember, I gave you a fiver
Only last week when you came here before.

Romeo

A fiver, what can I buy with just that?
Why, that’s not enough for the interest I pay
On my debts to your father, I say!

Tybalt

It’s better than a hard kick in the balls.

Romeo

Now Tybalt, good sir, lend me your ear
You now earn over a million a year!
The fiver you gave me was nothing to you —
I think that some help is surely my due.

Tybalt

I gave out of the kindness of my heart
There’s no reason why I should give you a fart.
Besides, don’t I see you every day
Emptying your purse for the lottery?
You’re entirely responsible my friend
For promoting your own horrid end.

Romeo

That’s not fair. I’m trying to work, really.
I’m selling the "Big Issue" down by the alley.
Besides, it’s ultimately all your fault!
For centuries have the Capulets been
Robbing us Montagues of our living.
If it weren’t for you Capulets we’d be rich
But in the past you stole from us land
Took our people to work as slaves for your band

Tybalt

I tell you, you can’t blame all that on me.
You know that was all my old family.
How can I be held responsible for
What happened before I was even born?

Will

The evil goes deeper than that, my friend.
Cap’talism is at fault for our end!
The system siphoned money from us to you
And you got richer while we got poorer

Tybalt

Well, Will, have some rationality
This loan must have conditionality
That the money is used well I must know
To my apothecary you must go
He’ll set the rules and you must follow them
This here is the cure for the mess you’re in

(Enter Juliet…)

Will

Hark! What chick down yonder hallway prances?

Juliet

Oh, Will; I’ve been practicing my dances!
I’m ready to leave for the ball, honey;
I’ve got the time; now do you have money?

Will (aside)

My secret's out, for siblings I have none.
Now Tybalt knows the money was for fun!

Tybalt

Ah, so it’s a lie! What scoundrel is he
That tries to woo your heart with my money?
No sickly brother? I will then ensure
The deal is off; credit you’ll get no more.

Juliet

Tybalt, cousin, surely you must agree
Thou art truly loaded compared to he.
Come, Romeo, let us go to the ball.

Tybalt

I’ll leave him none to go with! After all,
He’s the last one I’d want to date my cuz.

Will

Well, you’re the lowest swine that ever was!
A braggart, a rogue, a villain, that fights by the book of capitalism!

(Will and Tybalt fight and kill each other.)

Juliet

A plague on both your worlds, both north and south!
Oh happy dagger!

(Juliet takes a knife from Will.)

Aaaaaahhh!

(Juliet kills herself.)

Narrator

Into disorder the world has plunged full
(If you agree with good old Hedley Bull).
Go hence to have more talk of these sad things:
Should wealth be spread out evenly or no?
For never was a story of more woe
Than in this world the gap of rich and poor

(Narrator takes a knife from Tybalt and kills herself.)

The End